HOW TO BE A SERIAL KILLER
A GUIDE ON HOW TO JOIN IN ON CIVILIZATION'S FAVORITE PASSTIME SINCE PROSTITUTION & ORGANIZED SPORTS
DISCLAIMER: This essay is purely meant as satire, and is not meant to reflect the positions of the author or other people associated. We do not condone the taking of innocent lives or committing acts of assault, sexual or otherwise, so we implore you not to do so under any circumstances. All that is written here is taken from analytical angles in behavior most serial killers seem to share & other hypotheses presented by criminologists ,psychologists & accounts made by serial killlers themselves. We do not take any responsibility for the actions of people who read this article.
We also would like to warn the reader that what you are about to read will contain disturbing written material and explicit images that might be upsetting, proceed at your own risk.
The documented heritage of Serial killers starts all the way back in 2nd Century BC with a Han prince by the name of Liu Pengli. He was the nephew of Emperor Jing and the third son of, Liu Wu, Prince of Liang. However, his father was eventually Banished from the capital. After that the province of Liang was split into five parts for each of Wu's sons. Sima Qian, One of China's earliest historians, states that Pengli was an arrogant and cruel man. He would go on Marauding expeditions, murdering people and seizing what little belongings they had. According to Qian, the bodycount exceeded over a hundred. The murders struck fear into the commoners of the kingdom to a point where they would not leave their homes at night. Eventually he got accused by one of the victim's sons. The court wanted him executed but the Emperor could not bear the burden. So instead he got stripped of his royal title, and banished to Shangyong, now known as Zhushan. According to many historians, not only was he one of China's first serial killers. He was also one of the first documented serial killers in the world. Not much is known about him beyond that point. Simply because they didn't care about what commoners were doing. simply put in modern legal terms, he got off easy.
In the current day and age the concept of the serial killer is alive and well. It’s by some estimate given by criminologists and law enforcement bureaus that there are between 3 to 4000 active killers roaming the United States alone at any given moment, and some of those are based on faint clues and hearsay. We can only imagine there are much more than the projected numbers. Not to mention, that the concept of serial murder isn’t exclusive to America.
While some are caught, and sometimes become iconic in their own right, many of them go unnoticed, and for the most part, will probably never be caught. That's because, in a sense, they understand the formula of being a successful serial killer. Of course, sometimes, it’s a matter of circumstance. Sometimes it just so happens that One little bit of oversight can cause someone who has been a bit overzealous in their actions to get caught. And sometimes it’s because of infantile reenactment of what they saw in movies but not understanding that movie magic does not go into the semantics of forensics and possible eyewitness accounts. The times have changed too, But in the end, these rules are as old as serial killing themselves. If it aint broke, no need to fix them.
So, for the sake of the burgeoning murderer and their bloodthirsty desires, we compiled a guide in order for them to start their escapades. And hopefully, not to get caught with their pants down in the moment they need to be most attentive.
A QUICK NOTE IN SEMANTICS: THE SPREE KILLER CONUNDRUM
The term spree killer is often used in tandem between serial killers and mass killers. But in this case, we would like to bring to your attention that if the term is used here we are referring to the former rather than the latter. While, in the end, the goal of either a Serial Killer or a mass shooter is the same, the M.O. is greatly different. While a Serial killer is more commonly active over a long period of time and is usually hunts for singular prey. A Mass killer’s (think school shooter or bomber) goal is to kill as many people in a short window of time. Usually ending in either arrest or death (usually something left at the discretion of the perpetrator). There is also usually a different sociological reasoning behind something like a mass casualty event. And also really does not require a great deal of planning. A mass killer can go out right now and cause havoc at any given time or place, given he has the materials to do so.
We also want to mention the idea of mass murder in the form of political power. Characters like Hitler, Mao Zedong, Pol Pot or Stalin are often cited as having some of the highest bodycounts in all of human history, with Mao at the top of that list. However, in this case, we are talking about the singular rather than the plural. Considering that Mao didn’t kill all of the people at his own hand, same with the characters named above. In the purest sense of the term. The person who is referred to as a murderer in this case is usually the person who is doing the killing on their own terms.
PICK YOUR VICTIMS WISELY.
In many cases, your choice of victim will play a huge role in how long you can get away with it. While some killers like to stalk after college girls and others like to stalk the elderly. it’s usually their hubris & carelessness that eventually catches up with them. While sure, you can choose to go after these demographics, more often than not, the rule of thumb applies: The more ingratiated your victim is into society, the more heat you bring down on yourself. Going after suburban dwellers with wives/husbands or kids is possible. But don’t be surprised that the area you stalk is suddenly overrun by the fuzz. There are ways to combat this, but in general, If you are going to be in one area for a long time, the worst thing you can do is to go after squares unless you are up for a challenge.
Your ideal victims are transients; Prostitutes, drug addicts, winos, train hoppers and so forth. Members who have fallen out of the eye of mainstream society. Since they are pretty much invisible to the regular person on the street, chances are if they arent at their usual begging stoop at the metro station not many people would blink an eye. Similar to prostitutes, their profession is often limited to the night and to already poorer and more crime ridden areas. In that case the worst concern you have is a Pimp. But just lay low, or stalk other areas where there is activity. These people are always happy for a handout, whether that be money, booze or the odd narcotic. Lonnie Franklin Jr. otherwise known as L.A.’s very own “Grim Sleeper”, did this for decades without being noticed. It was only when forensic technology, combined with his own bloodlust, caught up that he got busted 20+ years after the fact.
Runaways are a grey area however, some of them come from situations that are neglectful to them, and others are just teens going through a rebellious streak. So if you are going after that demographic, keep in mind that unless you can snuff out the fish from the fakes that it’s always a game of russian roulette.
A fun thing to note for the female killers out there. If you look even half attractive, you have a leg up over your male counterparts. If Aileen Wuornos wasn’t so sloppy she probably could have racked up a higher bodycount, but her retarded tweaker brain in regards to disposing of incriminating evidence was the thing that did her in (we will be adressing this in a little while)
DRESS TO IMPRESS (OR TO MAKE A MESS)
This is a pretty general tip that does not only apply to serial killers but many members of society. You might as well read an OSHA brochure on safety gear or any old self-help book for this, but we’ll explain it to you anyway.
If you are a serial killer, your best bet to go unnoticed is to blend in as much as you can into regular society. Being a chameleon more often than not can help you advance further In your spree. The mindset is simple; Have clothes for when you kill and clothes for when you aren’t killing. When In regular society, try and follow the general trend of how people dress. Keep it lowkey, make sure you are kempt & clean. Brush your teeth, have a simple yet nice haircut, take a shower.
If you are generally haunting low income or impoverished areas, you don’t want to be the guy wearing a suit and tie. As much as you’d like to have your Patrick Bateman Power fantasy, remember to dress for the right occasion. If you are surrounded by mostly bums, then dress like one. If you are in a nice upscale area, either dress insanely inconspicuous (like a tourist) or fake the funk and don a suit. There are many a thrift stores you can go to and find perfectly serviceable clothing, and places like Target or Walmart usually sell clothes on the cheap. Always keep a spare of the basics. And always keep an eye out on your environment. Blending in is your best option. Keep your hygiene to the appropriate levels of your environment. You don’t want to smell like a dumpster if you’re in the financial district. And just generally, hygiene is a good thing to upkeep.
When it comes to your killing attire, again, in low income areas looking like any old street bum will probably not cop you too much static. But if you are stalking suburbs or public parks best thing is to have either some sturdy hiking boots or sneakers on your feet. Wear black clothes and blend in with the environment. Think about it in the context of Stealth. You wouldn’t want to wear a clown costume in the middle of vietcong territory, so why would you want to stand out?
NEVER STICK TO ONE M.O.
Sure, most iconic serial killers are known to have a way of doing things. Dahmer liked to stuff gay prostitutes in barrels, contort their bodies and keep bodyparts on standby for his pleasures. Marc Dutroux liked to play with his food and kept victims around his property for torture before killing them. Richard Ramirez loved scribbling shitty pentagrams on walls with blood and so forth. But if your goal is to purely kill. Then don’t stick to just one Modus Operandi.
We go by the assumption here that (if you are a serial killer who is reading this right now) you are doing it for the sensation of killing rather than playing a game of cat & mouse with the media & law enforcement. You don’t want to stand out. Because that way, it’s easier to follow a trail, a trail that can lead back to you. So if you have access to a multitude of ways of killing, we’d suggest you play the field. Sure, you’ll probably develop a “favorite” among them. But still, switch it up. Shoot, stab, Blunt Force Trauma, Asphyxiation, whatever idea you have, do it all. Because that way, they can’t really link it all back to you. Play it smart. If your goal is to merely kill, no need to be a showman about it. This logic also applies to specific areas if you are going to be sticking around a city or district, but this will also be adressed later.
Another thing to note is that if you have a proclivity for fulfilling your vile sexual desires, remember what you learned in sex ed: wear protection. Not only because of the possibility of catching a bug, but also a lot easier for disposal. Semen is a quick way to get busted, so if you really gotta let it out wrap your pecker. For the ladies in the serial killer community it might be a bit more difficult to get sexual pleasure out of their victims, but even then, protection is important. Ladycondoms, contraceptives and good hygiene (see #2) are a lifesaver. Be mindful though and don’t leave your jimmyhats scattered near the remains. Condoms might be biodegradable but they take a long time to disappear.
Where many serial killers get caught is because they get so hung up on a singular way of doing things. But eventually, it only takes one time of being careless, and suddenly you have a special task force team busting down the door of the motel you are staying in.
LEAVE NO TRACE.
Evidence of any kind is bad news. So your best bet is to be prepared. Make sure you have the required necessities to leave little to no trace at the scene of the crime, regardless if it’s remote or not.
First, To touch back on point #2, when you are dressed in your hunting attire, there are a few things you should keep in mind. For starters, always have a pair of gloves on you. Not only for keeping your hands warm (especially if you are active in the winter) but any possibility of leaving fingerprints is pretty much an instant game over. I’d even recommend in this case to double up; wear Latex or rubber gloves to minimize any possibility of fingerprints or skinflake transfer to occur. In that regard, we’d also recommend not to wear anything that exposes too much of your own skin. Wear longsleeve shirts, jerseys, hoodies, what have you. If you are someone that has long hair or a beard. We’d suggest to have a shave and a haircut, but if you are truly so vehement on cosplaying as Charles Manson, then wear a beanie or a hat. Long hair should be secured underneath it as much as possible, a hoodie in this regard will come in handy too. Basically, you want as little of your naked body exposed if possible.
TIP: a good item to have is a plain skimask. Roll it up into a beanie. Then, if needed you can roll it down. This will also come in handy later for other things but the most important one being that you have maximum coverage in case an eyewitness happens to catch you.
Second, if you can control the environment in which you kill, we would highly recommend to stay away from anything that has fabrics in the interior unless you can garantuee your kill will not involve bloodshed (like your car for example). If there is any cleanup required after your headrush make sure your environment is easily cleaned. Tarps and plastic covering are always helpful. And Vinegar & bleach will come in handy more than you’d think. If you are more of the nomadic type, either work fast, or work remote. If you can lure victims away from their usual stomping ground and kill them in some godforsaken backwood area then do your dirty work there if possible. If you are killing inside of the victims property, make sure to wipe down before you leave. Scope out potential exits, and usually in this scenario, you want to work fast. This is no place for dillydallying. It’s also generally advised to do your killing in the dead of night. Less visibility and less chance of eyewitnesses. You need to become a night predator. Killing in the daytime is reserved for soldiers, cops, mass shooters & crazy people.
TIP: we’d highly advise against killing in places like Motels, Hotels or AirBNB’s. Most of these places require a legitimate ID or credit card check in nowadays, and even if you can use a fake name and pay in cash, the possibilities of cameras are always there. Even if you have a vic’s credit card to check in or a secondary identity. It’s too risky. If it’s not cameras it could also just be peering eyes and ears. These places should be treated as basecamps, not killing fields.Disposal will have to become routine. If you are of the more trigger happy variety, you’d probably best want to use a case catcher on your gun so no shell casings are left behind. If your clothes are becoming too dirty with blood, best to get rid of them. Anything that becomes too risky to carry around constanty; get rid of it. Certain items you will never dispose of and some items can be neglected (like rope or tape). But anything thats becoming a bit too hot to handle, burn it. This also goes hand in hand with the crimescene. If you are doing anything with illicit substances for example, make sure that any packaging is not laying around since it is a good catcher for prints. Basically, post-kill, you need to be an environmentally conscious hippie for a moment: don’t litter, pick up after yourself!
I would also say, avoid doing anything that can leave any evidence on the victim itself. Some more vampiric or cannibalistic types wouldn’t mind leaving their bitemarks in the thigh of a recently strangled dragqueen but if your dentures are on file you’re really rolling the dice. If you really need to go that far you might as well choose dismemberment. Also, be careful with souvenir collecting especially Heirlooms like jewelry or wallets or any unique clothing that the vic wears. Stuff like stockings or underwear is one thing. But stuff that is of value present a bigger risk. And it takes one stop & frisk to get busted. Getting caught with a pair of blood soaked panties or the wallet of a recently deceased Jane or John Doe can have you in the back of a squad car in no time.
Talking about cars. If possible, having more than one car to your disposal is ideal. We understand that isn’t always an option, But you can also always flip the car or vehicle you are currently using on sites like Craigslist or similar listical seller sites or trade it for another vehicle. Just keep your car in good working order & make sure you don’t have a body in the trunk when you are trading it in.
NOMAD OR SETTLER? A BREAKDOWN.
This is a bit more of a contested topic. Some murderers like staying in the same area. But others like to travel out more. Both of these preferences come with their Pro’s and Cons, but in the case of the nomadic killer i’m willing to make the argument that it’s better to be a nomad than being one that stays in one area for too long. But we’ll try and break down these points more fairly
While there are more nuances that can differ from a whole allotment of elements like individuals, environments or timeframe in general these are the most general pro’s and cons of being a settled serial killer. Of course, you can have bleedover of them doing their activity in neighboring counties, and perhaps sometimes a neighbouring state. But moreso they usually stick close to their doorstep (and sometimes right underneath their doorstep).
The thing about being settled, is that you are going to spend a LOT of time between killing doing nothing but waiting for buzz to die down. If thats the way you like to roll you can probably pull it off. But if you are in need of a constant pace, than being settled will not be all too ideal. However, there are pro’s that Nomadic types will never have. Having a specialized workspace for your dirty doings is also more manageable. And forming liaisons, no matter how risky, is still a possibility. While as a serial killer it’s best to be a Lone Wolf, sometimes you get lucky and find yourself a hapless goon that can help you with some of the heavy lifting. Next to that, you will know your environment by the back of your hand, but be careful, because you aren’t the only one; pimps, drug dealers, gangbangers prostitutes and cops know some of these areas even better than you. So even on your home turf it is advised to stay vigilant.
As a nomad, you have to put yourself into the mindset of “your briefcase is your office”. You are in no place to carry around a great amount of possessions anyway. But if you just so happen to enjoy the sights and sounds of the greater world this is the choice for you. Since there is also no familiarity with the environment, it’s easier to be more reckless with your choice of vic. However, smaller towns are risky business, if you’re the only new guy to come in over six months of anybody else aside locals you can be sure they are tight. And you are an outsider, so if anything’s afoot they can point the finger straight at you.
The best places to kill will always be mid-range towns with a proper civilian count & enough traffic or metropolitan hubs. But not a town that consists out of 3 roads and a bar. You will have to be even more mindful to your location. On top of that, it will be of utmost importance to have a budget, but unless you have a job thats doable remotely, sell crypto, or have a way of slanging narcotics or your own ass, money will be hard to come by. But usually you can find small bulletin board jobs, save up some cash, and keep on moving. If you have enough money you can spend a multitude of days travelling and slaughtering to your hearts content. And even then, if you know the ways of the dumpsterdiver or know where to find soup kitchens you can probably score a cheap or free meal (& even eye out potential victims). Most places also have free water & Wifi nowadays so you’ll never truly be thirsty or cut off from the greater world. Not to mention the plentiful nature of water fountains in different areas like public parks (more common in hotter climates though).
Another thing we’d recommend for the travelling serial killer is a specific set of items that can help them in their travels
-Camping Gear (sleeping bag, waterproof bivvy, maglite, bug repellant)
-Small Repair Kit for car.
-Burner Phone (no smartphone)
-Refurbished Laptop
-At least 2 changes of clothes
-Formal wear
-basic toiletries
-Rainy Day Fund (in liquid fiat)
-Guncase with lock (in case of possession of firearm)
TIP: avoid using any electronic payment methods if possible. When buying materials or clothes, we’d highly recommend buying most if not all of your stuff with liquid cash. Do NOT use victims credit cards. The only time you should do so is if you can do it within a short timeframe of killing the victim before they are found, and are not picked up on camera using his card (again, inconspicuous clothing can go a long way.)In the end, this really comes down to preference, and is more subjective rather than objective. Just keep in mind that sometimes it’s all about luck if the concept of Chaos Theory is anything to go by. But regardless if you stick around or not, always stay cautious.
IF ALL ELSE FAILS…
Well, this is the wost case scenario. The end Of the line. Even with following all of this advice you find yourself with the walls closing in. The police have surrounded the premises. That one prostitute you stabbed 30 times and thought you killed didn’t die and she remembers you clear as day, a police sketch starts doing the rounds, cases start coming back up and now you are facing down the long arm of the law. And you don’t have many options.
What do you choose? To surrender and spend the rest of your days in prison knowing that the entire country ,if not the world, will know you are a monster? To take your own life before the state can do it for you? Go out with a bang? In this case it all comes down to self reflection and your inner psyche. Escape from this is usually not an option unless you are filthy rich or friends with every single cop outside of that door. You are, for all intensive purposes, totally fucked.
But in this situation. There really isn’t much you can do. Depending on how this plays out, if you get taken in by the police, they will probably need you to travel around to find the multiple dumpsites unless you left them out in the open. And spending a hundred consecutive life sentences isn’t all bad. If you are even half attractive, male or female, you’ll probably have some groupies sending you money, nude pictures and tantalizing letters. You might never have the freedom to ever eat a diner steak or drink a beer ever again (unless you are on death row) But if you are crafty enough with your commissary and with some imagination you can pretend you are eating a gourmet meal. with all of this spare time, you can probably try out a new hobby, like painting or writing. Sure, your public perception will be that of a a monster to most, but you will have many that will be morbidly curious as to why you decided to do it.
Look at Ted Bundy, he became a sensation! Of course he got electrocuted, but he got interviewed by major news outlets, and had a whole harem of housewives feelin’ the need for some excitement sending him words of encouragement. Or John Wayne Gacy, same fate for him. But at least he became known as a painter, his works becoming highly collectible, and had the pleasure of mixing among heavy hitter rockstars like GG Allin! Of course, you also have the polar opposite, like Dahmer, who got his head caved in unceremoniously in a prison bathroom. And nobody really shedding tears over his death except for his mother. however his legacy lives on as being common visual fodder used on album covers of some well respected death metal and grindcore bands (most notably bands like DAHMER, Sanguinary & Appartment 213 to name a few).
But one thing all these men have in common is that they will remain in the annals of history as some of the most gruesome killers to have ever wandered the landscape. And some of them don’t even care about that glory. For one because they are dead. But also that they had fulfilled their desire and needed nothing more beyond that.
Then again, some cannot imagine a life like that. And would rather end it than end up in the jaws of the justice system. At that point the choice is pretty clear. And if you are too much of a pussy to pull the trigger, you can step back for a moment and reflect on the fact that you had no problem taking the lives of others, but seem to be hesitant of taking your own. Kick yourself in the head for being a hypocrite! It’s either that or letting the state decide for you. And in the current environment of Death row & the death penality debate, chances are you are going to die old in prison than in the electric chair or by Lethal Injection. So if you are that comitted to not ending up in that system, and the option is right there. Why wait? And hell, if you want to at the very least traumatize a fed or 2, you can always do the classic “rage against the machine album cover” self immolation trick so you can die with the knowledge that they’ll never forget you.
IN CONCLUSION… THE SUM OF ALL OF MAN IS BASED IN BRUTALITY
Like The sun, moon, nature and man. Death is a permanent fixture of the human experience. But there is something intriguing about the concept of taking another persons life. Hunters have been doing it for aeons with other species, but there is something about taking out someone of your own subsect. The thing that sets it apart from lets say, gorillas slamming the shit out of a chimp, is that while you can perceive them to be intelligent, they don’t have those same moral quandaries as humans .
Even then, there are ways where humans can somehow justify killing their own very easy. You need not look further than the concept of warfare, and the moral hoopla of taking a life in order to protect others. The person they tore to shreds with an A10 warthog probably thought the same thing. But the serial killer is a different breed. Some of them have reasons, others don’t. Some of them do it out of some misplaced schizophrenic brainfart they are doing it for God. Others, do it to fulfill a purely primal bloodlust not commonly found in a regularly domesticated and “well adjusted” person.
Nothing is ever set in stone. But know this. The concept will never go away. They are as old as civilization & prostitution. There will be many more in the future. And god knows, maybe the guy you are sitting next to on the bus is one. Maybe that one neighbour thats a little “too friendly” might have a body in his bathtub. And Maybe, very maybe, there might be an urge waiting inside of you…
If you enjoyed this article, i would highly suggest reading Stained Hanes’ article: How have serial killers adjusted to the 21st century?
For books i’d recommend having a look at David McGowans’ analytical book Programmed to kill, which can be found at most places better books are found.
Hope you enjoyed, if not, whatever.